Old You

I hear this a lot in therapy sessions…’I just want to feel normal again’. Many grievers spend so much time and energy focusing on trying to go back to being who they used to be before their loved ones died. They long for the naive bubble we all live in that protects us from walking around terrified every moment that everything we love can we taken from us at any moment. Once you experience grief you can never go back in that bubble. They long to go back to how things used to be when their loved one was alive (in the case of pregnancy, the joy of the impending birth). Grievers get stuck in the ‘who I used to be’ and the ‘how I used to be’. It derails the healing to be hung up on this notion. 

Two things happen when our loved one dies, we lose them being physically in our lives anymore but we also lose who we were right until the point we hear the words ‘they are gone’. Trying to accept your old self is gone can be as hard as accepting your loved one is gone.


You have to grieve both your loved one and grieve your past self. You will never be him/her again. Parts of the ‘old you’ died with your loved one that day.


Losing parts of the old you does not necessarily mean you will feel broken forever. It just means you will grow and develop new parts of your new you and those will grow out of the love you have for your loved one. So if you think about it, the new parts of you are still part of them so that can’t be a bad thing.

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