Unhelpful Words

At least they aren’t suffering anymore, they wouldn’t want you to be sad, life goes on, time heals all, at least they lived as long as they did, everything happens for a reason, they are in a better place now, God needed an angel, it was their time, well at least….., you can try again………all things people say to grievers that they think are helpful. They are supposed to be helpful but actually minimize and take away from the pain, the grief and the past/present/lack of future relationship we have with our loved one.

Many people have not lost this way YET & so they say these things with the INTENTION of trying to help the griever feel better. They don’t realize that nothing will make it feel better and what we need right now is compassion, not sympathy or silver linings. In the beginning we don’t see a brighter side, we don’t see any positive out of this.

They also say these things because non grievers do not know how to deal with someone grieving. Many do not have what it takes to sit next to us in that hell and are afraid to be around the immense pain we feel. When something/someone is ill or damaged, we get it fixed or replaced. We cannot do that with grief, it’s not a wound or illness that goes away completely. We have to go through it & that’s what people do not understand. They want us to feel better to go back to who we used to be but here’s the secret everyone should know…..we never go back to that person again. Part of us die with our loved one and we have to grieve and learn who we are all over again.


If you don’t know what to say to someone who just lost someone close to them, it’s better to just give them a big long hug than to say something that was meant to be helpful but ends up hurting them more.


Never say to a griever let me know if you need anything. Grievers do not know what they need or want, they are focused on basic survival so please do not put it on them to figure out what they may need and then to call you up to ask you for help. Instead think about what you’d potentially want help with and just go do it.

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